Happiness is internally driven, but external factors can affect it. Happiness is your responsibility.
I am a big believer in this. If you need someone for your own happiness, I see that as a problem. If you can’t find your “happy” alone I have some things I want to share with you.
Relationships are a want, not a need in my opinion. You only need you.
Here are a couple of ways to “find your happy” if you are struggling.
REST. It is something I am the worst at. I am a busy body by nature, and a weak point for me is knowing when to throttle back. I am hyper aware of what resets me. Travel, gym, sleep, and something new I have learned this past year is surrounding yourself with the right people who see what you need and help. Some people can calm your soul and do have your best interest at heart.
COMMUNICATION. Any good relationship requires it. Spouses, family, business partners, friends…. ANY. Can I be honest and say I dreaded this trip in some ways? My divorce was hard on my extended family. Not only did I grieve, but they did too, and I didn’t see it at the time. We go on a family trip every year, and last year was my first alone trip with just my boys. It was weird. It honestly was the hardest week, and I tried my best to be cheerful for my boys. But what I also realize is that I was so caught up in my own emotions that I probably didn’t see theirs. My family has meant well, I have felt like some of my biggest judgments have come from them, and that is hard. I didn’t take time to see or communicate where my heart was with them, and before coming down here, I did. I can not even tell you the difference in energy this year from years past. ZERO tension and everyone is happy. I am the only person in my family ever to get divorced, and honestly, I feel like I let them down when I did. I hope and pray they see right now my happiness and current contentment and can be happy in that. My point is to take the time to communicate your heart to the people around you that you care about. Even making time to communicate with yourself is important too. Self-reflection and growth! I do this all the time by journalling!
Boundaries, not walls. Through communication, you draw boundaries. For yourself and others to protect your happiness. I put up walls and shut myself off from a lot for a long time. I just became numb to things I shouldn’t have been numb too. Walls keep people from your heart and your own, and that is not healthy. Instead, create boundaries of and be clear what you will tolerate.
Grace. We are human. Right now I am on an upward swing, but the thing is life is full of highs and lows. You have to give yourself grace for learning. For making mistakes. For not creating boundaries. For not communicating and wishing you could have avoided things. Life happens, and you learn, and you grow through what you go through. And damn have I grown these past couple years. But here is the thing…. you will make mistakes. When you do give yourself grace.
Make Decisions. Stop being stuck. One foot in and one foot out. Your feet have to be planted clearly in one direction. When not, I classify that as the grey zone. It is a toxic space where you will sit stagnantly and where no forward motion will happen. Decisions allow for action, and as you know, I am a big believer in organization, vision and creating forward movement and the only way that happens is to decide and go.
The first of everything after a life change was/is the hardest. This is our second beach trip with “Kristy being single Mom”, and I am just so thankful for grace, for growth, and healing from all parties including myself!
One of the biggest questions I am getting asked is why did I keep this all from social media and to myself while going through it. That is an easy answer and trust me; it was the HARDEST thing to do for someone like me who wears my heart on my sleeve. But that answer is GREY ZONE and MY CHILDREN. I was stuck for a long time in grey, and my kids have been the focus of every decision I have made. It is why I waited until it was final, and I moved, and I could no longer hide it from mounting questions that I finally shared. It was not that I was inauthentic, it was that I created a boundary and just left that aspect of my life out to protect my boys. When you have kids, it is always their hearts and best interests before your own.
If you are in an “unhappy” space or next time you find yourself there, I hope you can read this and know you will not be there forever and also know that you are not alone. I have been there too.
You must know you, what you need, what you don’t need and how to reset. We all have moods or low points and you should never trust yourself in those moments.
Thanks for being here, friends. For riding through life with me. Mean it.