Everyone keeps asking me how it is living away. First I am not that far, only about 40 minutes and there is no simple way to answer that. So I turn to words…. I have journaled for the last year and I have written so many words and I feel compelled to share these…
On the one hand, it has been freeing. It has been good for me to be away and removed. It has forced solitude and a new level of independence on me that I really didn’t even know I could do. My best friend is all….”Kristy, I could never be living alone in the middle of the woods, I can’t even stay alone at my house with my kids.” Honestly, it has not scared me for a split second from a safety perspective. It is the loneliness is what has scared me. The solitude. It comes in waves and sometimes I appreciate it while other times I lay in bed staring at the fan blades wanting to have another anything here with me.
When I was on the side of the road this last week changing my first flat tire, with the help of youtube, I thought to myself I have two options…. call for help or figure it out. I was on the side of a road that I was unfamiliar with in a town I really don’t even know my way around. I had multiple people stopping and I know most had really good intentions, but every car that stopped my anxiety spiked. Thinking….”is this is the person that will load me up and take me in the trunk of their car.” I had seen and been taught once how to change a tire, so I figured it out. A lot during this space I could have asked for help, but it has been good for me to also figure it out. Yes, I could have easily called someone. Called a family member. Reached out to a new neighbor, but it was the principle of the fact and it was like that solitude I had been facing and I just had to conquer it.
A lot of you that follow know about a month I landed in the ER from having too much of a medicine. What the world didn’t know is it was the day after I signed my official divorce paper. I was just divorced across the country in my first ER ever. I am still having some lingering health issues. Mainly gut food sensitives once again, inability to focus and vision problems that are in varying intensities(which has been hard), not sleeping and some other things that probably only I would notice but none the less I notice and are not my normal. I know I am under a tremendous amount of stress/transition and I am trying to do my best to not push limits, rest more, and do every little thing the doctor is saying. You guys I have even cut coffee. Day 3 to eliminate any caffeine from my system. Honestly, my health being a silent battle I am also up against right now is one of the hardest things. And I am aware stress will do a number on your health too, so I am hopeful answers, time, and normalcy will get me back to where I need to be physically.
Sometimes you need to figure it out and just face it head-on. Sometimes you need people that will tell you no and make you scale back or tell you what to do. Sometimes you need to know your limits and ask for help. If I got to a point where I couldn’t figure it out then I would ask for help. It really is my belief in life and I think in business why we have gotten to where we are. I am wired if there is a problem, “Kristy fix it”. Problems and hardships are where we grow and learn and pushing through them is essential for growth. Sometimes learning things we didn’t even want to.
So how is living away? Dickerson Hill has also been a safe haven in the fact of its setup. It is quiet, it is breathtakingly beautiful, it is secluded in nature and it has also allowed me to grieve and heal. It was exactly where I was meant to be for a while.
I have met a couple of unexpected individuals that I know I was meant to meet and they have been huge blessings in my life and making the stay here more enjoyable for my boys. The first week here, my kids cried not wanting to come here during the school week. Since meeting these neighbors and exposing them to fun out here now they can not wait to come! And although we are moving we will still be here often!
I knew me leaving the marital home I was going to have a harder time transitioning the kids and my life. I choose I didn’t want it though. If you missed it I officially, own a new home as of Friday. Back in our original community close to my work and school. It’s half of the size of our original martial home but you guys it’s perfect. The bones of it and I am so excited to make it mine! Being here was a temporary option that was the best fit and I have no intentions on selling this cabin either. More on that soon.
At the same time….away from my community, away from my family, away from support, away from it all has not been easy at all. Away from routine, and sleep, and my normal grocery stores…. I mean all of it.
As I sit here and type this on Easter morning part of me want to just sit here and cry and crumble. Nothing feels normal and since I don’t have my kids today I honestly feel like breaking in stillness. You open social media, you scroll and see happiness, and normal, and life and you yearn for it. But you equally won’t settle. You know exactly why and you know you are meant to be where you are.
I thrive on routine and convenience, and it has taught me another level of patience and prioritizing and scheduling be out here! Someone told me when I was first out here alone and having a hard time with the loneliness, “solitude breeds growth.” That person was right. Doing anything out of your comfort zone is meant to feel scary and wrong and off. Regardless if it is moving, or leaving a relationship, changing careers, or anything else. When you leave a comfort zone you will grow and I am thankful for the growth and strength I have found out I have over this last year….that I really didn’t even know I had. I just feel like someone needs to read the words and knows this truth and know that they are not alone. Through whatever transition or silent battle, they are facing.
There is peace in this space and beauty you just have to look for it. Also, know that this is a temporary feeling. And you have two options in the space. You can sit in pity or you can get busy moving your life in the direction you want it to head. You also in both options can cry and know it is okay. It doesn’t make you weak if anything stronger.
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